by collegelaughs on April 18, 2010
It helps to know how other people see you, especially when it comes to how people see you when you are drunk. To help, we have compiled a thorough list of exactly what you are like when you think that you are the life of the frat party.
Stage 1: Getting Started
When you first get to a frat party, you will want to start the night right with a few beers. While you work on your buzz, you feel out the other people at the party and realize that you will not be going to your 9 AM class the next day.
Stage 2: Hitting Your Peak
After a while, you will have had a your fair share of beer and be having a good time. Unfortunately, you don’t realize that this is as good as it’s going to get tonight and soon enter stage 3…
Stage 3: Overshooting Your Peak
Determined to make your buzz last as long as possible, you start inviting people to do shots with you. Doing shots never goes well. Soon the beer in your stomach will notice that it has to share a space with tequila or rum and it will not be pleased.
Stage 4: What’s the Deal With This Whole Wearing Pants Thing?”
In between very frequent trips to the bathroom, you will begin rambling about something ridiculous that you realized while staring at the painting that is hanging on the wall. Suddenly you will become a social pioneer as you rebel against the status quo using unintelligible sentences.
Stage 5: “I…I love You Man”
Being a revolutionary is hard and you will soon settle down and sink into a spot on the couch. At this point you will no longer be mad at the world but very happy that the friends that you can’t stand while sober are here with you. After a 15 minute rant about how great the people at the party are, you will realize that you have more important things to worry about; stage six.
Stage 6: Puking
You pray that you make it to the bathroom as you shove everyone in your way. You will finally remember why you hadn’t drank for two weeks after the last party you attended. Too late now. You’re going to need a lot of breath mints.
Stage 7: The Day After
The next day you will wake up with three simple thoughts: 1) How the hell did I manage to get home last night? 2) Ouch, my head. 3) Where the hell are my pants?
Tagged as:
college frat parties,
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College Humor,
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College Parties,
fraternities
by collegelaughs on April 11, 2010
For many college students Starbucks is a home away from home but no matter how long you sit in there or what time you come in, these people will always be there.
The Way-Too-Happy-At-7AM Barista
So what that she had to be at work at 5 A.M., has massive debt, and her boyfriend just left her? She is ready to take your order and happy to do it.
Despite the fact that she makes minimum wage and gets vacation time in the form of minutes (seriously, look up the Starbucks vacation policy), this seemingly lobotomized individual probably came from a broken home where her father was a violent drunk and her mother was Liza Minelli. Cut her some slack.
The Guy With The Massive Order
There is nothing worse than standing in line behind the guy who will walk out of the store with two trays of coffee. This jackass pulled the short straw and now has to get coffee for everyone at his job and will undoubtedly be reading from a list. That list will be poorly legible. You will continue to wait because you need your fix and will ultimately be greeted by the peppy barista whose happiness will ruin your day completely.
The Writer
The Writer is a mainstay at every Starbucks location because as a rule we are addicted to coffee. You can easily spot the writer as the guy with the MacBook and the look of desperation on his face.
Guy Who Makes You Order Using Starbucks Sizes
At some point in their history, Starbucks decided that normal sizes will make people wonder why they have paid so much for the shot-glass-sized cup of coffee so they created an intricate system in which every size on the menu is a synonym of large.
Ever since then, there has been that one employee per Starbucks behind the counter who refuses to accept orders for a “Small” or “Medium” coffee because “It isn’t on the menu.”
Even worse is the employee who will correct you and say “You mean you want a ‘Venti’.” Well if I wanted a Venti then I would have ordered a Venti instead of what I really want which is essentially a bucket of caffeine.
Fancy Order Guy
While being stuck behind the guy ordering for the whole office is the worst, fancy order guy is a close second. No one really “wants” a Mocha Chai Latte with Soy Milk, an extra shot, and whipped cream, they just want a friend.
The Sleeping Bum
Another mainstay of the Starbucks crowd is the sleeping homeless person who typically smells like a weird mix of tuna salad and puke. Odds are, he used to own the coffee shop across the street till Starbucks moved in.
Maybe you should avoid the Venti.
Tagged as:
campus coffee,
college coffee,
College Humor,
college starbucks
by collegelaughs on April 5, 2010
One of the many things that you’ll experience in college is the weight gain that you will undoubtedly see when you switch your diet from your mom’s home cooked dinner to one consisting entirely of pizza, Oreos, and Red Bull.
College weight gain is perfectly normal and is to be expected but there are limits. Here are the five stages of college weight gain that will help you see if it is nothing to worry about or if you are going to go into diabetic shock at any moment.
Stage One: The Britney Spears
You aren’t really overweight but people are now using your love handles to grab onto. You have probably converted to a diet of White Castle and beer. It shows but not enough to make you care about losing weight. A couple of salads wouldn’t hurt…
Stage Two: The Jay Leno
You’ve packed on about twenty pound since starting school but it suits you well. You can still see your penis and toes but no longer fit into any of your old clothes. Most of the weight probably came from a steady attendance record at local keggers so you still don’t care enough to work out because you’re likely nursing a hangover when you aren’t causing one. If you were skinny before, you probably are starting to get a fair share of fat jokes but you make yourself feel better by remembering that you can still fit into the chairs in class.
Stage Three: The James Gandolfini
Okay, now it’s time to start thinking about Weight Watchers. The beer and the pizza seemed like a good idea at the time but now you have to worry about bending over to tie your shoes. The girl that you went home with last night is complaining that there was not enough room in the bed to sleep. You also probably raided her fridge for that left over steak which has now become a frequent late night snack. It is at this point that you realize that your dream of being a marathon runner will not be working out.
Stage Four: The Rosie O’Donnell
You are now finding things that seemed long lost in the rolls on your stomach. If you are a guy, you have now likely grown at least a B-cup. The pain you feel in your chest after walking up one flight of stairs is your heart yelling “Put down the Twinkie!” It is also at this point that most people begin to have major problems wiping and begin wearing nothing but sweatpants. If you are a woman, you are probably being asked about when your baby is due quite often. Studies show that you have likely given up on life at this point and are preparing for a lifetime of driving a bus or posing for the “Before” shots in the weight loss commercials.
Stage Five: The Sumo Wrestler
If fat people have to buy two seats on Southwest Airlines, you have to buy two rows. Conventional things like cars, king sized beds, and Big and Tall clothes no longer fit you. That thing you had been thinking was your penis turned out to be your belly button becoming an outie.
Forget work, you collect your disability checks and sit around watching Maury and inhaling Doritos by the bag wondering if your cat is still alive but not willing to actually get up an check. Really, at this point all you have going for you is that you would still look average if you moved to Michigan.
Don't let college weight gain turn you into this.
Tagged as:
College Humor,
college laughs,
college weight gain,
freshman 15
by collegelaughs on March 27, 2010
Most guys think they can pull off a one night stand with some slutty girl from a sorority but it isn’t as simple as it looks in the movies. All too many times a potential one night stand results in you living in the same apartment with the same girl with the same job for thirteen years while your three kids slowly gray your hair. Don’t fall into the trap. Follow this guide and you can still have that one great night without lifetime of misery.
Remember, just like proctologists, it is important to choose wisely.
This cannot be stressed enough. Most guys think that they can get any girl to sleep with them on any given night only to come home to a loving bottle of hand cream.
If you happen to know that a certain girl has been passed around more than a joint at Snoop Dogg’s house, make sure you brought some reliable condoms and go for it. Prior information, preferably from an acquaintance who has already tasted the fruits of victory or an ugly school rumor, is your best friend. Gonorrhea isn’t your best friend, however, so make sure that you can differentiate the difference between slutty and infested.
Most guys will be going into a party or bar without any prior information and will be scanning the place for the best bet. Here are some things to look out for.
Clue #1: Skin is In
The more skin a girl is showing, the more likely she is willing to shred the remaining two inches of clothing that is covering nothing but the bare minimum. Badly. This girl will be easy to spot as your eyes will dart towards her as soon as you walk into the room.
Exceptions: The tease is the girl that walks around like a perfectly available girl only to keep wagging her poorly clothed ass in your face and making you her bitch. Beware the tease or risk spending your graduation money on a diamond necklace.
Clue #2: Whale Watching
The whale tail, a girl’s thong peeking out of her pants or skirt, is society’s way of saying that she is all yours. You know you’re golden if you spot a tramp stamp, a tattoo on the small of a girl’s back, right above the whale tail.
Exceptions: None.
Clue #3: Impaired Judgment
There is nothing that has gotten more people laid than alcohol. When scanning a room, the girl that is using the wall to support herself is the one that you want to be approaching.
Exceptions: Don’t take her home before she has puked and chomped down a handful of Altoids.
Clue #4: The Last Resort
If you have been unsuccessful in finding just the right girl for your devious plans, it may be time to lower your standards. Chug a few drinks and put on those beer goggles. It is up to you if you want to spend the night with the desperate ugly chick or your right hand.
Exceptions: At some point, ugly girls get this idea in their head that they do not sleep with guys because they are “looking for the right guy.” Right. Look out for this dummy and let her be to spend a lifetime looking for the right one before ultimately settling down to a marriage with a guy who looks like Liza Minnelli.
Don't dress like Apolo Ohno
Tagged as:
college hook up,
College Humor,
college one night stand
by collegelaughs on November 3, 2009
Joining a fraternity is a time old tradition for many guys entering college but how can you figure out which frat to join? While there isn’t a foolproof way to figure out which is the right frat to join, here are eight signs that you have joined the wrong frat.
1. Wine Runs, Not Beer Runs
- If your frat prefers a wine tasting to a good old kegger, prepare to spend a lot of time being tied to trees and discussing post-modern art. If your idea of a fun Friday night is drinking organic kiwi juice and eating tofu escargot you’re in luck. If not, get out while you can or you’ll never see another burger till you graduate.
2. Your Frat Brothers Sat Alone In High School Lunch
- If you just joined a frat run by the kid with the lazy eye and one shoe bigger than the other, get ready for an initiation consisting of reciting the first 150 Pokemon in order and seeing who can drink the most Mountain Dew and not hate themselves in the morning.
3. They Go Looking For A Date On Campus…
- But go to an all-male college. If this is the case, run now or buy a lot of mouthwash and ice packs, your call.
4. The Frat Mascot is Chupacabra
- Points for originality but you may have ventured in too deep. You might want to ask the guy with the prison tats and a scar across his cheek standing next to you if you have joined a frat or MS-13.
5. Instead of Fundraisers You Have Bank Runs
- Look on the bright side, they have an excellent education program in prison. And you’ll always have a date.
6. Your Initiation Is To Be Spanked While Wearing Leather Chaps And A Ball Gag
- If they’re motto is “Don’t Knock It Till You’ve Tried It,” don’t take it as a dare.
7. Their Idea Of A Good Time Is Protesting An Abortion Clinic
- Hey, nothing wrong with spending your peak years dressed in slacks and knocking on people’s doors early in the morning to tell them about how great Christianity is (just ask any gay person how great Christianity is). Look at it this way, you’ll have plenty of friends for the Rapture. Keep drinking that Kool-Aid.
8. On Pledge Week, They Sacrifice a Goat
- Suddenly protesting abortion clinic doesn’t seem like a terrible idea. Sure your frat brothers might be a little…out there but black clothes are slimming…
We're not condoning excessive drinking, but this is pretty awesome.
Tagged as:
college fraternity,
College Humor,
college laughs,
college mistakes,
frat house,
joining a frat,
wrong fraternity
