by collegelaughs on September 11, 2009
Guys, it’s the first weekend of the semester, and while we know you’re excited to hit the ground running with the year’s first real frat party, we have compiled twenty important rules to live by for this week’s frat party. The following are things you should never do at a college fraternity party -
1. Show up with your girlfriend
2. Drive there
3. Expect to understand the house beer pong rules
4. Show up wearing that Hollister hemp choker necklace ensemble your ex-girlfriend from high school gave you as an anniversary present
Note: If you have failed to follow rule #1 please refer to rules 5-7, if not proceed to rule #8
5. Leave a room without your girlfriend
6. Leave a room without your drink
7. Leave a room without your girlfriends drink
8. Hit the bong that’s being carried around by the guy wearing a Doctor Suess hat that everyone keeps calling, “The Munch”.
9. Again… See Number 1.
10. Hook up with that chick that your friend just told you before the party started has syphilis
11. Take that third shot of tequila
12. Get in a chugging contest with anyone named Thor or Smitty
13. Take that sixth kamikaze shot
14. Expect to actually remember who that chick was your friend told you before the party started has syphilis
15. Show up with your morals
16. Expect to leave with your morals intact
17. Expect to not to have contracted syphilis after hooking up with that chick that your friend told you just before party has syphilis…seriously dude, he told you like three or four times not to hook up with her and you did it anyway
18. Eat that piece of pizza you just found underneath the bar, no matter how hungry you are after hanging out with “The Munch” (see Rule 8 for further detail)
19. Expect to find your cell phone or find it with the menu still presented in English
20. Expect the graphic sexual statements and intricate portraits of male genitalia drawn all over your body in permanent marker to come off with anything not potent enough to remove paint
That’s about it! Follow all of these rules precisely and you’ll have a great time tonight!
Guard these rules with your life
Tagged as:
College Humor,
College Parties,
frat parties,
rules for frat parties
by collegelaughs on September 6, 2009
A continuation of our two-part series of how to not write a college term paper. College term papers, essays or research papers are tough. Here is how you should not go about writing one -
- Remember where you left off: without a paper.
- Take a break and watch the latest installment of “The Real World.”
- Consider how much it is exactly like college.
- Think about why they don’t just call it “The College World.”
- Note your brilliance for making the connection.
- Note that you could actually be brilliant. After all, you are in college.
- Return to your Facebook page (because, of course, you never logged out) and compare your thoughts on your brilliance to what other people think about you (via the volume of wall posts and picture comments on your profile).
- Look through your wall-to-wall with that special someone.
- Think about the last time you hooked up with this special someone.
- Look through your wall-to-wall with that other special someone.
- Think about which one you would rather hook up with right now. Tough choice, huh?
- Check your email to see if Suzanne sent you the prompt.
- Appreciate her clutch-ness.
- Chill out a little more. You have the prompt AND all night to write this thing. It’s only 11:40pm.
- Spot your history textbook under a pizza box.
- Try to remember if there’s any pizza left in the box.
- Also remember that you definitely have 200 pages of reading to do for that history class, which is why you were supposed to start this paper at 7:30pm.
- Recall a problem set due for econ?
- Freak out.
- Feel a little better because there was a slice of pizza left in the box.
- Get something to drink at the vending machine.
- Get pissed that the one in your dorm doesn’t work.
- Remember that you’re the one who broke it. So that’s what happened between keg stands #13 and #17!
- Find another vending machine.
- Avoid running into any more people who can recall last night’s events.
- Vow to never drink again.
- Vow to be an awesome student from here on out.
- Return to your room.
- Insert expletive. It’s 1:52am.
- Just write the damn paper.
- Kick yourself for not doing it like a week ago. This is the easiest paper.
- Proofread it.
- Come to terms with the fact that this is the worst paper you’ve ever written.
- Start the problem set for econ.
- Decide that you’ll finish it in the morning, later in the morning.
- Watch the sun rise.
- Sacrifice the history reading. 200 pages worth of fallen soldiers. Sucks, but these things must be done.
- Go to sleep. It’s 7:13am.
- Email the paper to your professor at 12:02pm, being sure to include exactly two apologies and something about flu-like symptoms.
Just put it off, it'll get done...somehow.
Tagged as:
college essays,
college writing,
free essay advice,
free term paper advice,
term paper
by collegelaughs on September 5, 2009
Okay. So it’s like 7:45pm. You just got back from the dining call. You’re sitting in front of your PC, cursing your mom for not getting you a Mac (what has she ever done for you, really?). And you’re ready to start this paper that’s due at 10am tomorrow morning. Here’s how you get it done.
- Open Internet Explorer and check your email for the 100th time today.
- Realize that you meant to open Microsoft Word.
- Log onto Facebook since the window is already open and Jenny tagged like 20 pictures of you doing keg stands at several different locations last night. That was pretty baller.
- Look through the photos.
- Smile at your beer-ridden achievements: ah, success.
- Inspired by your photos, start a new document on Microsoft Word. The quicker you get through this paper, the quicker you can get back to life’s real work: mastering the keg stand.
- Look at the photos again, just to get a better feel for what occurred last night because you obviously have no recollection of it. Again, success.
- Notice that it is now 8:45pm. Insert an expletive. Promise to start this paper after a bathroom break.
- While on this bathroom break, run into 3 of your neighbors. On any other day you’d keep it moving, but they have important details about last night’s events.
- Piece your life back together using their accounts of the evening.
- Fail to recall the hour between keg stands #13 and #17.
- Figure out why you numbered your keg stands.
- Get back into bed with your PC.
- Tell yourself you’re starting this paper. And that you’re getting a Mac for Christmas.
- Realize that you don’t know what the paper is on.
- Look for the paper prompt.
- Look at the mess that is your room.
- Think about where the prompt could be before actually having to sift through this mess.
- Remember that you threw the prompt away last Wednesday when you took out the trash.
- Kick yourself for finally taking out the trash.
- Email your Suzanne and ask her for the prompt.
- Proofread the email for the appropriate level of flirting before sending it. Be sure to include a smiley face emoticon. Solidifying relationships like this is important.
- Check your email every 30 seconds to see if she has responded yet. It is now 10pm. You have to start this paper.
To be continued…
If it can wait, just do it later.
Tagged as:
college papers,
college study habits,
College Term Papers,
term papers,
writing a college paper
by collegelaughs on September 3, 2009
Doesn’t matter if you’re just getting out there or if you’ve been around the block with Amy, Becky, Jessica, and Kim. Here are some sure fire, absolutely foolproof ways to get the girl you’ve been eyeing— from homecoming hookups to that special someone you might awkwardly introduce to your mom and pop on parents’ weekend. Seriously, these things work.
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Choose your graphic wisely. Graphic tees are pretty obnoxious and stupid. But if you get them from somewhere other than Urban Outfitters, they can actually work in your favor. Check your local Goodwill for something with warm and cuddly kittens or friendly looking dinosaurs. Such graphics on sweaters will score you extra points. Must be something about the heavy-duty cotton and long sleeves.
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Homeless Chic. Don’t’ bother combing your hair or even regularly changing your clothes. Girls actually like it when you look a little homeless. It’s cute. Gives them a little project to look forward to. Also, your “just got out of bed” look will work like reverse psychology and make your target female actually want to get back into bed. With you.
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Baby This, Baby That. When speaking to this potential girl-friend-lady-person, feel free to call her “baby.” She will protest at first. Ignore this. You should also make reference to your future together (i.e. marriage, children, pets, retirement plans and 401Ks).
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Play it Really Cool. This might be difficult, but try not replying to her Facebook wall posts for at least a day. Leave her text messages in your phone’s inbox for a couple of hours before responding back with something very short and slightly curt. Then, on some night, “drunk” text her something wildly inappropriate. You can be perfectly sober when you do this. Just don’t let her know that. It’s only funny if you’re drunk.
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Hug It Out. You have to be a good hugger. That actually won’t cut it. You have to be an awesomely amazing hugger. When hugging this girl, be sure to embrace her like a puppy. Rub her hair a little. And make some kind of faint moan sound just before letting go. She’ll like that.
Now, go get you some girls! Again, these tips cannot fail. The methods seen here are tried and true, with the testimonials to match. Go ahead, put money on them. All of them. These tips also work great for girls trying to get guys, except for the one about not combing your hair. Guys should always comb their hair. If you don’t, that’s just gross. The most important thing to remember is that it’s college. All this crap is made up anyway.
Yet another way to get girls.
Tagged as:
College Dating,
college girls,
College Humor,
college relationship advice,
how to get college girls
