by collegelaughs on October 27, 2009
Why spend all your time learning calculus and philosophy of the Ancient Romans when you can be spending your tuition dollars on something useful, like these ten classes that you wish your college offered.
1. The Theory of Family Guy
There is something so much more brilliant in the works of Seth MacFarlane than there is in those of Plato.
On The Syllabus:
- Makings of a Fart Joke
- Best Uses of Flashbacks
- Sticking it to Fox
2. Female Anatomy (With Jokes)
For one, those textbooks with pictures of 70’s earth mama bushes need to be replaced with a free Playboy reader (minus the articles). Secondly, class participation and quizzes involve formulating the best “That’s What She Said” joke.
On the Syllabus:
- Best Uses of an Anatomy
- What the f*** is that?
- The Babewatch Series (Vols. 1-3)
3. The Perfect Beer
Thirty classes, thirty types of beer. Which beer is really the king of beers?
On the Syllabus:
- Once you go black, will you go back?
- Miller vs. Coors: Which tastes most like piss?
- Class trip to Sam Adams Brewery
4. The Many Uses Of Marijuana
Find out the intricacies of growing and the conditions that pot can treat so that you have better excuses. Mandatory test on identifying types of pot based on key characteristics.
On The Syllabus:
- The Perfect Brownie
- Cleaning Your Piece
- Best Band To Listen To Stoned
5. Studies in Megan Fox
Despite a young career, Megan Fox has already given us so much. The class will focus on what level of hot she belongs in and how she manages to salvage terrible films.
On The Syllabus:
- How Short-Shorts Are Meant To Be Worn
- How to wear dirt as an accessory
- Is Jennifer’s Body the best film ever?
6. The Kevin Smith Collection
Screenings and discussions of the most relatable films of all time. Which Clerks movie is better? Is Jay the most iconic character of all time?
On the Syllabus:
- Why is Ben Affleck such a bad actor?
- Potential storyline for Good Will Hunting 2
- Best Jason Lee role
7. The Coolness of James Bond
Through decades, James Bond has been the coolest Brit to hit the United States since Winston Churchill. What has kept this series up? (Probably the chicks)
On the Syllabus:
- Hottest Bond Girl
- Coolest Bond accent
- How to wear a suit the right way
8. Argumentation: Best Superhero
Putting argumentation into important real world situations, this class focuses on logical conclusions to figuring out which is the best superhero ever. (Crib Notes: It’s Superman)
On the Syllabus:
- Hottest Outfit: Wonder Woman or Catwoman
- What happens when Superman has sex
- Why Captain America developed a drinking problem
9. How To Get The Most Money From The Least Work
Enough with the preparation for the hard work you’re supposed to endure after graduation, learn how to get the most profit from the least work. Class covers opening one of those eBay stores to inventing the next Snuggie.
On the Syllabus:
- How much work is too much?
- Which country to keep your untaxed income in
- The perfect amount of sleep
10. How to Get Keanu Reeves Famous Without Talent
Ever since the Matrix, every man has wondered how to get Keanu Reeves famous and rich with as little talent as him, this class will break down the fourth-wall.
On the Syllabus:
- Similarities to Matthew McConaughey
- What not to do with your hands on film
- How not to deliver a line
Necessary image of Megan Fox
Tagged as:
best superhero argument,
college classes you wish you had,
College Humor,
coolness of james bond,
keanu reeves sucks,
kevin smith collection,
many uses of marijuana,
perfect beer,
studies in megan fox,
theory of family guy
by collegelaughs on October 25, 2009
The media has had flashing red lights and bomb sirens on 24/7 as they continue to incite panic in preparation for the coming swine flu season which will apparently strike the country like the Black Plague.
As the flashing lights may suggest, you too need to prepare for the coming apocalypse. Here is a basic guide to ensure that you are ready to take on what comes your way.
Surrounding your frat or sorority house with a moat is a great way to keep those that are already infected out of your home because, as everyone knows, swine flu victims whine too much to swim.
It would also be wise to add a little Clorox bleach into your moat water so as to avoid an infected person sneezing into it and infecting the vicious hybrid dogs that will undoubtedly be patrolling the area.
When exiting your fortress of solitude, make sure to dress for success. A simple Haz-Mat suit ought to protect you from the snot nosed little kids that will be attacking your knee tendons (that is what swine flu victims crave, no explanation has been offered by the Center for Disease Control) but knee pads help.
Should a group of infected second-graders cross your path and create a showdown situation, you will need to be armed to the toes. An anti-bacterial spray to the eyes usually does the trick but keeping a BBQ lighter and some Axe spray on hand will get you out of those really stick situations.
- Don’t Forget The Antidote
Take the time you have until the epidemic begins to load up on the antidote, even if you do not get infected, you can make a ton of cash selling it on the flu market.
One packet of DayQuil and NyQuil will do the trick and thensome.
What not to do to protect yourself from swine flu
Tagged as:
college h1n1,
College Humor,
college swine flu,
swine flu
by collegelaughs on September 16, 2009
We’ve all seen ‘em. Walking around campus with a holier-than-thou attitude, looking down on all of us who simply “don’t understand.” Hipsters - the name itself conjures up the most pretentious of images. Perhaps scruffy guys with horn-rimmed glasses refusing to laugh, or the faux-philosophers tacking on a “post” to every “ism” they mention. Their irony protects them, and they even have a certain non-threatening charm. However, they’re still the group we like to hate… that is until we become one of them ourselves. If you’re worried that you might be a hipster, here are a few helpful indicators to look out for.
You know you’re a college hipster if…
- The obscure band you like somehow has Reagan, elephants and vacuum in its name. “You mean, you’ve never heard of the Vacuum of Reagan Elephants?”
- You quote Nietzsche ironically
- You’re so postmodern that you refuse to call yourself anything, but being whatever is the point. Get it? I didn’t think so.
- You only drink free-trade coffee, and only have sex with people who drink free-trade coffee.
- You’re not gay, but also not straight. What are they but labels anyway?
- You’re for alternative energy because you like anything alternative.
- You prefer Gustav Klimt’s earlier paintings to his later ones.
- You don’t agree with anything; just find things either interesting or ignorant.
- Your shoes were imported from Europe because American shoes just don’t do it for you.
- You’re skinnier than the 25 cigarettes you smoke a day.
- You like documentaries that deal with little impoverished groups in Asia or Africa, and then like bemoaning their stories to your friends.
- You like your t-shirt of Che Guevara wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt.
- You like starting every conversation with, “I was reading an article in the Times the other day…”
- You think third wave feminism was so 2008.
- You have the time to know what the word “obstreperous” means.
- You hate going home on vacations because you hate your parents despite the fact that they fund and enable your pseudo-education and life as a hipster.
No, we're not cool. We're hipsters.
Tagged as:
che guevara,
college douche,
college hipster,
College Humor,
hipster,
nietzsche
by collegelaughs on September 14, 2009
If you are just entering college you may be confused by the absence of the “popular kids” and the nerds that sit alone at lunch. College, particularly college students, are very different from high school. Here are the five people that you will meet in college.
- The Know-It-All (a.k.a. Poindexter)- On your first day of class this is the person you will notice the quickest and will grow to dislike even faster than that. He will dissect the syllabus ad nauseam, correct the most mundane of typos, and get a cramp from raising his hand throughout the entire class. The know-it-all is easy to spot. He will be the one with the $400 glasses and the book bag on wheels.
- The Stoner Hippie (a.k.a. Bud)- If you take any philosophy or art class, you will be surrounded by this species of college student that exists everywhere except for Brigham Young University. Once you see the stoner hippie in your class, prepare to see your class be constantly derailed by long philosophical and incoherent ramblings about how Socrates relates to Dora The Explorer and ham sandwiches. The stoner hippie is also easy to spot by the stained t-shirt and the red, half-open eyes.
- The Wise Ass (a.k.a. Conan)- For everything the above two people say, the wise ass has a play on words to throw into the mix. It may seem funny at first but it’s a long semester that will make you resent his obvious puns and annoying interruptions. You can identify the wise ass before he makes his first “that’s what she said” crack by the obviously ironic graphic tee and constant smirk.
- The Frat Guy (a.k.a. Greek) - You will know the frat guy from the moronic frat cheer he will do on the steps of the building before coming to the class hungover and without a pen. Despite spending most of his time trying to pick up girls in class, the frat guy will still do better than you in class thanks to the know it all that lets him copy his answers in return for admission into the frat.
- The Sorority Girl (a.k.a. Sorostitute) - The sorority girl is the chick you may remember from the cheerleading squad in high school. She is usually pretty, blonde, and giggles out loud at her text messages. If you are looking for a quick lay you should invest in a 40 Oz. bottle of Colt 45 and dependable condoms.
Poindexter in action
Tagged as:
College Humor,
College Students,
frat guy,
hippie,
sorority girl,
sorostitute,
stoner
by collegelaughs on September 11, 2009
Guys, it’s the first weekend of the semester, and while we know you’re excited to hit the ground running with the year’s first real frat party, we have compiled twenty important rules to live by for this week’s frat party. The following are things you should never do at a college fraternity party -
1. Show up with your girlfriend
2. Drive there
3. Expect to understand the house beer pong rules
4. Show up wearing that Hollister hemp choker necklace ensemble your ex-girlfriend from high school gave you as an anniversary present
Note: If you have failed to follow rule #1 please refer to rules 5-7, if not proceed to rule #8
5. Leave a room without your girlfriend
6. Leave a room without your drink
7. Leave a room without your girlfriends drink
8. Hit the bong that’s being carried around by the guy wearing a Doctor Suess hat that everyone keeps calling, “The Munch”.
9. Again… See Number 1.
10. Hook up with that chick that your friend just told you before the party started has syphilis
11. Take that third shot of tequila
12. Get in a chugging contest with anyone named Thor or Smitty
13. Take that sixth kamikaze shot
14. Expect to actually remember who that chick was your friend told you before the party started has syphilis
15. Show up with your morals
16. Expect to leave with your morals intact
17. Expect to not to have contracted syphilis after hooking up with that chick that your friend told you just before party has syphilis…seriously dude, he told you like three or four times not to hook up with her and you did it anyway
18. Eat that piece of pizza you just found underneath the bar, no matter how hungry you are after hanging out with “The Munch” (see Rule 8 for further detail)
19. Expect to find your cell phone or find it with the menu still presented in English
20. Expect the graphic sexual statements and intricate portraits of male genitalia drawn all over your body in permanent marker to come off with anything not potent enough to remove paint
That’s about it! Follow all of these rules precisely and you’ll have a great time tonight!
Guard these rules with your life
Tagged as:
College Humor,
College Parties,
frat parties,
rules for frat parties
